I ran away from yoga until around 3pm. (I normally like to get to my practice first thing in the morning.) I came to the mat frazzled. I was angry at my husband, lost about my career, depressed (wondering if I should report to my meds doc for an adjustment). I had not been able to focus all day. Then I capitulated. I sure wasn't getting anything done except magnificently avoiding those things I knew I should do. The practice was not especially enjoyable. I started out with Pranayama to slow the hell down. It worked. It is easier to drop into asana practice if I've done some pranayama first. I went through my paces. I just obeyed Seane Corn on the screen. My mind drifted running through unpleasant remembered scenes with my husband. I went through waves of grief and I remembered my young self, Sharon Marlene Grossman, when she was four. I sobbed and apologized to her for the choices I had made in my life. On the other side of all this was peacefulness. Still loneliness. But peace.
This evening was one of those times when I hadn't done my daily yoga practice all day and just didn't feel like hitting the mat. But, I've learned that the times when I don't feel like hitting the mat are the times when I need to hit the mat. So here's the agreement I make with myself: I decide that I will show up on the mat for a certain specified amount of time. I can do a "full" practice or simply breathe and stay on the mat till the time has elapsed. Sometimes this translates into a very short period of asana and a very long sivasana. Doesn't matter what I do or don't do as long as I stay on the mat and return to the breath. Even if my mind is kicking and screaming the whole time during the practice period, the next day I'll just feel terrific: calm, unreactive, steady, clear. The results aren't immediate, but they show up and they endure.